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Please Don't Commit Crimes
Please Don't Commit Crimes
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Season 3

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In this episode, join host Kat Garcia as she welcomes back Jenesa Ross for a heartfelt and humorous conversation about parenting, mental health, and personal growth. In this episode, Jenesa opens up about her journey through misdiagnosis, medication changes, and therapy breakthroughs, while she and Kat share laughs and real talk about breaking generational cycles and supporting each other through life’s challenges. Tune in for honest insights, relatable stories, and a reminder that you’re not alone on the path to self-discovery. 

WEBVTT

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Greetings and salutations.

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Welcome to, sorry.

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That's my inside voice.

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I'm your host Ka Garcia, and in this episode I get to sit down and talk with a friend of the pod Janessa Ross.

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Again.

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Uh, in this episode we get to talk about therapy epiphanies, how we strongly suggest that you do not commit crimes and parenting a very fiery, touch oriented small human when you are not touch oriented in any way.

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Uh, just as a.

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Heads up.

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For our listeners, this is a content warning.

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There is some discussion of child neglect in this episode near the end, so please listen to your comfort level.

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Okay.

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Okay, so we are going to start recording.

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Are you excited?

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So excited.

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As excited as I can be on half of a clonazepam.

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Woo.

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I love that.

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So hard.

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Yep.

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It's the way to go.

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Yep.

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Uh, so Jenesa is back for a another episode.

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Yay.

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And then she reminded me the last time she was on was for Yarn Crawl.

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So we are talking today about your.

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Your journey one might say.

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Mm-hmm.

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With free parenting yourself.

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Yep.

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Whilst parenting a small human that you created

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a small Aries with as Scorpio rising.

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Yeah.

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I love it.

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So for people who don't know astrology stuff, what does that mean?

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And she has a cancer mood too.

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Um, so, so your, your sun sign is, is what people usually like ask you when you're, when you get asked what's your sign.

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Um, and that's like your, your inner core, um, your rising sign is the mask you present to the world and it, it very much so influences how you also interact with your sun sign.

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So, like for me, I am an Aries Sun with a Taurus rising, so.

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Aries is kind of fiery and has a little bit of a kick to it.

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What?

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I know,

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I'm so shocked.

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Um, and Taurus is very grounded and, um, home oriented and they like the finer things in life, but they're not super spicy.

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They're stubborn, but they're not spicy.

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Um, so I tend to be a more mellow Aries because of that.

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Until you really piss me off.

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I was gonna say

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then I will not be, um, yeah.

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Uh, Henley.

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Yeah, that's what I wanna say.

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Henley.

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I was like, am I saying her name on the hair?

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Yes, I am.

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Um, Henley is an airy son with a Scorpio rising.

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Her father is a Scorpio, but he's a weird Scorpio because he has a cancer rising.

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So.

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Scorpios are kind of known for being like, they have the capacity to just be straight up evil if they don't take care of themselves.

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Like if they are not taking care of their mental health and their relationships with people and being healthy in those things, like they can be straight up effing evil.

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So she can take, she can turn into Darth Vader.

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She'll love this analogy, but she could very easily turn to the Dark Side..

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She could turn into the emperor.

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Like, I don't think she would need to be the sidekick.

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No, no.

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She would, she would just bypass that.

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She could do it all.

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Because also she's really good at teaching teach.

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She's the Jedi master that teaches people how to be Jedi, so.

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Right.

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That's just, you know, a hop to skip away from being the emperor.

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Um,

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Henley is obsessed with Star Wars.

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Oh my gosh.

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Yes.

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Obsessed.

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Which I'm okay with.

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Like, I'm cool.

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She's got new, uh, lightsabers.

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I'm so excited to battle.

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With those.

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Yeah.

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If she'll let me touch one,

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she will.

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Yes.

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Um, so she can be fiery and evil and mischievous.

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Um, Scorpios are also known for being, some people call it conniving.

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They're like the Slytherin,

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they're mischievous

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of the Zodiac.

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Whereas, you know, like Hogwarts only has four houses and there's 12 in the Zodiac.

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But like Scorpios are kind of thought of.

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Maybe tell me if you don't agree.

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Scorpios are kind of thought of as like the Slitherin.

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I mean, I don't think that's incorrect.

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I mean other, there are other signs who are very capable of evil things.

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Oh, absolutely.

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But they hide it so much better.

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Yeah.

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Scorpios just kind of are like,

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yes, I am evil and I don't give a shit.

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I am, let me.

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Let me show you the ways yeah,

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yeah.

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Which is funny because I have a lot of Scorpios in my life.

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Uh, so Henley's an Aries with a Scorpio rising, but she also has a cancer moon.

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Your moon represents your feelings and cancers have every feeling ever and they have it really big,

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real big feelings.

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And so she has lots of feelings and they're very large

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and she's spicy about it.

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Yeah.

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And uh, she's a perfect combination of Justin and I.

00:05:41.605 --> 00:05:44.935
So I am an Aries with a Taurus rising and a cancer moon.

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Justin is a Scorpio with a cancer rising and a Pisces moon.

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Jesus.

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Yeah.

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So she is the perfect little combination of the both of us and the cancer rising is why Justin is not evil yet is a solid Scorpio,

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I would say.

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Justin has evil tendencies.

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Yes.

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Yes.

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They're, they're, they're mischievous.

00:06:09.980 --> 00:06:11.540
They're mischievous tendencies.

00:06:11.540 --> 00:06:11.750
Yes.

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It's not

00:06:12.050 --> 00:06:14.480
necessarily evil for Justin, but it's pop up.

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He can be diabolic.

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Yeah, he's like the diabolical.

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Yeah.

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He's, he's like, Dr.

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Finkelstein in, in Phinneas and Ferb.

00:06:21.379 --> 00:06:21.860
He's,

00:06:22.100 --> 00:06:22.639
there you go.

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Not actually gonna accomplish anything.

00:06:24.529 --> 00:06:25.100
There you go.

00:06:25.100 --> 00:06:25.279
Yeah.

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He has all the plans.

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Ha, ha ha.

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So, yeah.

00:06:29.029 --> 00:06:29.269
Yeah.

00:06:29.269 --> 00:06:32.180
No, he needs you to, to, to execute the plan.

00:06:32.629 --> 00:06:36.410
He'll try to come up with it, but it won't go further than that.

00:06:36.439 --> 00:06:36.860
No.

00:06:36.860 --> 00:06:37.225
Without your support.

00:06:37.225 --> 00:06:40.850
No, he, he uses me as like a, a, a compass.

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He's like, so I'm having this feeling and I'd really like to do it.

00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:49.910
Uh, and I'm like, well, that's interesting.

00:06:51.529 --> 00:06:59.540
How, how does knowing her signs, like, how does that help you parent her?

00:07:00.110 --> 00:07:01.079
How does that help you, like, engage?

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Well, first of all, it scares the shit out of me.

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I mean, that's fair.

00:07:04.204 --> 00:07:12.605
And second, I really do see her as a pretty good conglomeration of Justin and I.

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Yeah.

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Like temperament wise, she is pretty solidly both.

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Yeah.

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Um, which both throws Justin and me separately.

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Yeah.

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In different ways.

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Yeah.

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Because like when she's having this insane emotion that's just really big and kind of ragey.

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Yeah.

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I'm like, dude, I get you.

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But we do have to breathe through it because stabbing people is considered like at least assault.

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Yeah.

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It might even go up to murder.

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Right.

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It depends on where you stab them..

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Um, yeah.

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Whereas Justin, when she gets ragey, he's just like, what is happening?

00:07:54.454 --> 00:07:55.144
Stopped.

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What?

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I don't know how we went from zero to 60, but we did so.

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And then I don't understand when she's being really mischievous, because I also just don't, I don't do that for several reasons.

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Yeah.

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But

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yeah, no, she's having spent quality time with her.

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She is a, a good balance of the two of you.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Anywho.

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That's my child.

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That's your child.

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Um, your child is also very touch oriented.

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Hate it.

00:08:33.754 --> 00:08:34.205
Yeah.

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How do you deal with that?

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Because you are not a touchy person?

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For several reasons.

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For several reasons.

00:08:40.345 --> 00:08:43.524
And like to the point where I don't usually hug you.

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When I see people, I'm like to greet them or like, I'm a hugger, but I'm like, I don't hug you.

00:08:48.745 --> 00:08:52.735
I always tell people that I will initiate a hug.

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If I want one.

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Mm-hmm.

00:08:55.855 --> 00:08:57.429
Like I will, I will ask you.

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Yes.

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And you have if I can

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have one.

00:08:59.620 --> 00:09:11.559
Um, and then if I see you are offering hugs, like as a goodbye or a hello and I don't want one, I will typically not fully remove myself from a situation, but like kind of remove myself enough that there is like a,

00:09:11.860 --> 00:09:12.684
you kind of Irish goodbye

00:09:12.705 --> 00:09:13.539
the imaginary wall.

00:09:13.570 --> 00:09:15.264
Yeah, There's like an imaginary wall there.

00:09:15.264 --> 00:09:15.325
Yeah.

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That everyone can kind of feel and see like, oh, you stepped away.

00:09:19.404 --> 00:09:19.855
Got it.

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Yeah.

00:09:20.575 --> 00:09:25.315
So how does, how does that,'cause Henley has been Henley

00:09:25.315 --> 00:09:27.355
out my butt for forever.

00:09:27.414 --> 00:09:28.044
For forever.

00:09:28.044 --> 00:09:29.394
Like she, she, she

00:09:29.394 --> 00:09:31.164
came out and then she wanted to go back in.

00:09:31.164 --> 00:09:31.404
I don't know.

00:09:31.404 --> 00:09:31.644
Yeah.

00:09:31.705 --> 00:09:36.355
She's just like attached to you much to your chagrin.

00:09:36.384 --> 00:09:41.934
But how much harder has that been as she's gotten older?

00:09:42.085 --> 00:09:46.825
When Justin is also a touch oriented person,

00:09:48.804 --> 00:09:50.904
it was easier when she was little.

00:09:52.000 --> 00:09:57.309
Because holding her was the primary method of caring for her.

00:09:57.315 --> 00:09:57.634
Right.

00:09:57.789 --> 00:10:00.220
I held her, when I nursed her, I held her.

00:10:00.250 --> 00:10:01.960
You know, we always, yes, we are.

00:10:01.960 --> 00:10:04.659
Those parents, we held her for her to go to bed because you know what?

00:10:04.659 --> 00:10:10.629
I am not letting my child scream for two hours at night because she can't sleep because she doesn't know how to regulate.

00:10:10.629 --> 00:10:13.690
At the age of six months old, that's not the time to learn.

00:10:13.720 --> 00:10:14.559
She's not ready.

00:10:14.620 --> 00:10:14.919
Yeah.

00:10:17.840 --> 00:10:18.559
It makes sense.

00:10:18.559 --> 00:10:22.820
You six months old, she's, she's still within the window.

00:10:23.210 --> 00:10:26.059
Like she's, she hasn't even been out as long as she was in

00:10:26.389 --> 00:10:26.840
No.

00:10:27.539 --> 00:10:45.419
She, she has existed for like, just over a year and most of that was like as a very small multicellular organism that is assumed to be a fetus, but isn't any who, um,

00:10:45.610 --> 00:10:48.509
Jenesa is a, uh, biology person.

00:10:48.884 --> 00:10:49.514
I am.

00:10:50.054 --> 00:10:51.044
So, yeah.

00:10:51.404 --> 00:10:52.154
Which I appreciate.

00:10:52.154 --> 00:10:58.664
I'm not, I'm not, I'm, no, I, I, like, I did chemistry, I like to blow shit up and light it on fire.

00:10:59.024 --> 00:10:59.865
That's not chemistry.

00:10:59.865 --> 00:11:01.004
That's thermodynamics.

00:11:01.164 --> 00:11:01.674
But okay.

00:11:02.215 --> 00:11:04.955
We did, we did some of, you're such a snot we did

00:11:06.715 --> 00:11:07.105
of love.

00:11:07.164 --> 00:11:08.215
It's part of chemistry.

00:11:08.215 --> 00:11:08.664
It's true.

00:11:08.664 --> 00:11:10.345
And that was my favorite part of chemistry.

00:11:10.615 --> 00:11:12.774
It's part, it's a very small part of chemistry.

00:11:12.774 --> 00:11:13.014
Very small.

00:11:13.014 --> 00:11:15.985
It's why I didn't really like chemistry all that much.

00:11:16.345 --> 00:11:16.855
It's hard.

00:11:17.004 --> 00:11:23.835
But so, so now that she is, is older and theoretically more independent, how is that going?

00:11:23.955 --> 00:11:27.975
Like, how does that, how has that shifted with the

00:11:27.975 --> 00:11:28.815
She's heavy.

00:11:29.054 --> 00:11:29.875
She is so heavy.

00:11:29.875 --> 00:11:31.245
She's also so bony.

00:11:31.725 --> 00:11:33.105
It's a strange combination.

00:11:33.110 --> 00:11:33.220
Um.

00:11:34.169 --> 00:11:36.330
She really hurts you with her elbows.

00:11:36.330 --> 00:11:40.799
Not on purpose, but like she's just climbing you like a jungle gym because that's what she do.

00:11:41.309 --> 00:11:42.809
And girl bony,

00:11:42.875 --> 00:11:43.825
she's so bony.

00:11:43.825 --> 00:11:47.669
I mean, she works out almost every day because she is so active.

00:11:47.730 --> 00:11:47.940
Yeah.

00:11:48.330 --> 00:12:04.799
And kid is muscly and bony and now that I have lost as much weight as I have, it hurts her bony head on my bony now shoulder, which I haven't seen a bone in my shoulder for a really long time, but like it hurts.

00:12:04.825 --> 00:12:16.250
So, um, there are definitely times where I need space and I have learned that it's because of my A DHD and I get overwhelmed.

00:12:16.610 --> 00:12:16.909
Yeah.

00:12:17.149 --> 00:12:21.200
And then I just start to have a panic attack or I get really cranky.

00:12:21.230 --> 00:12:23.299
'cause when I get overwhelmed I get really grumpy.

00:12:23.570 --> 00:12:25.070
So one of those two things happen.

00:12:25.220 --> 00:12:28.159
Both of those are not conducive to snuggling.

00:12:28.850 --> 00:12:29.659
That is true.

00:12:30.080 --> 00:12:35.330
That is, how do you, how do you talk to her about that?

00:12:35.330 --> 00:12:39.830
Like, do you tell her mom is over stemmed or moms feeling overwhelmed?

00:12:39.980 --> 00:12:40.250
Yeah.

00:12:40.519 --> 00:12:41.899
She totally knows what that means.

00:12:42.019 --> 00:12:53.649
Um, and, at our house if, if something like that is happening, um, I, we, we say that mommy's brain is not allowing that right now.

00:12:54.370 --> 00:12:55.090
Oh, I like that.

00:12:55.240 --> 00:13:00.370
Um, because it really is something or other doing with my brain.

00:13:00.610 --> 00:13:00.669
Yeah.

00:13:00.674 --> 00:13:04.360
There is a chemical that isn't there or is there that shouldn't be there.

00:13:04.360 --> 00:13:07.870
Or should, yeah, something's not right.

00:13:09.639 --> 00:13:11.110
What did you just drop Lily?

00:13:11.649 --> 00:13:14.169
I'm gonna guess Lily had food in her cone.

00:13:14.529 --> 00:13:17.649
'cause there's a, a bowl of kibble over there.

00:13:17.649 --> 00:13:17.740
Mm-hmm.

00:13:18.100 --> 00:13:19.345
Sometimes it gets stuck.

00:13:19.809 --> 00:13:21.159
You had little tree keeper.

00:13:21.309 --> 00:13:21.759
Yeah.

00:13:22.600 --> 00:13:22.870
Great.

00:13:23.019 --> 00:13:23.259
Look at

00:13:23.259 --> 00:13:23.440
those

00:13:23.440 --> 00:13:23.769
eyes.

00:13:23.769 --> 00:13:24.370
She kind of wants

00:13:24.370 --> 00:13:24.759
to murder me.

00:13:24.759 --> 00:13:25.539
She's, yeah.

00:13:25.884 --> 00:13:26.065
Little

00:13:26.065 --> 00:13:26.245
bit.

00:13:26.245 --> 00:13:26.784
She mad.

00:13:27.294 --> 00:13:37.404
Um, so she's, she's understanding, she, she's, she makes me feel really guilty about it.

00:13:37.404 --> 00:13:44.784
Not maliciously, but she does this thing where when I'm like, Henley, I can't, right now, mommy's brain is not gonna allow that to happen.

00:13:44.784 --> 00:13:46.705
Like, I just can't do it.

00:13:46.794 --> 00:13:47.695
I can't handle that.

00:13:48.414 --> 00:13:52.705
And then she gets this like, really pouty face and she's like, okay, I'll just go over here.

00:13:52.855 --> 00:13:53.664
Oh my gosh.

00:13:53.725 --> 00:13:56.274
When she does that, I go, okay.

00:13:56.725 --> 00:13:58.735
Because she, she, she knows.

00:13:58.825 --> 00:13:59.875
She does know.

00:13:59.904 --> 00:14:00.534
She knows.

00:14:00.534 --> 00:14:04.434
But then, but then the part of me that's still a traumatized little child

00:14:04.524 --> 00:14:04.735
Yeah.

00:14:04.735 --> 00:14:05.904
Is like, don't do that.

00:14:06.264 --> 00:14:07.284
Don't be sad.

00:14:07.674 --> 00:14:08.095
Yeah.

00:14:08.455 --> 00:14:12.475
But also, I can't go, go talk to your dad.

00:14:12.475 --> 00:14:13.705
He loves to snuggle.

00:14:14.065 --> 00:14:15.384
He does love to snuggle.

00:14:15.534 --> 00:14:17.544
And then she's like, no, I don't want Dad, I want you.

00:14:17.544 --> 00:14:23.485
I'm like, why you two are supposed to just be there for each other and leave me alone?

00:14:24.575 --> 00:14:26.379
I thought this was gonna be perfect.

00:14:26.440 --> 00:14:27.129
It wasn't.

00:14:27.759 --> 00:14:28.210
No.

00:14:28.210 --> 00:14:30.429
The touchy people don't wanna touch each other.

00:14:30.610 --> 00:14:33.580
No, they don't wanna snuggle each other,

00:14:33.909 --> 00:14:34.509
which is so rude.

00:14:34.509 --> 00:14:36.039
They still wanna snuggle me.

00:14:38.139 --> 00:14:38.559
I hate it.

00:14:40.059 --> 00:14:43.000
Sometimes I like it, but sometimes I really don't.

00:14:43.179 --> 00:14:51.610
What do you, what do you tell yourself in those moments where you feel that little kid version of you like reacting to her?

00:14:51.850 --> 00:14:52.120
What do you

00:14:52.120 --> 00:14:53.139
to that specifically?

00:14:53.320 --> 00:14:58.090
Yeah, like to, when anytime you feel that coming out, when you're like engaging with Henley.

00:15:00.129 --> 00:15:01.269
It depends on what it's about.

00:15:02.200 --> 00:15:17.440
Um, in that specific situation, it makes me feel like I just need to go back on whatever I said and get over the fact that I don't, that my brain and my body are not in a place where I can handle that.

00:15:17.740 --> 00:15:19.570
Like my nervous system is not okay.

00:15:19.570 --> 00:15:19.580
Mm-hmm.

00:15:20.904 --> 00:15:25.075
And it makes me wanna just be like, you're gonna deal with it because she needs you.

00:15:26.695 --> 00:15:26.904
Yeah.

00:15:26.904 --> 00:15:29.365
So you've got both of those like at the same time.

00:15:29.394 --> 00:15:29.695
Yeah.

00:15:29.695 --> 00:15:32.605
And then I feel the really big mom guilt about it.

00:15:33.595 --> 00:15:50.184
And then I have to choose between enforcing the boundary I just made or going back on it hard so that she doesn't look hurt.

00:15:50.634 --> 00:15:51.024
Yeah.

00:15:52.345 --> 00:15:52.615
Yeah.

00:15:53.664 --> 00:15:58.644
How, how many times a day would you say you guys get some version of that?

00:15:59.245 --> 00:16:00.565
The, the feeling bad?

00:16:00.684 --> 00:16:01.134
Yeah.

00:16:02.215 --> 00:16:04.164
Or the, I'm going to be the sad.

00:16:04.164 --> 00:16:05.725
I'm gonna go over here then.

00:16:06.595 --> 00:16:07.225
It's a lot.

00:16:07.495 --> 00:16:07.975
Um,

00:16:07.975 --> 00:16:09.504
is it less since she's in school?

00:16:10.225 --> 00:16:10.764
I mean, yeah.

00:16:10.764 --> 00:16:11.934
It was less than over the summer.

00:16:13.254 --> 00:16:14.695
Got to the point over the summer where.

00:16:15.865 --> 00:16:19.404
I very frequently told people, you can take her.

00:16:19.404 --> 00:16:21.054
I'm gonna throw her in the garbage.

00:16:22.284 --> 00:16:22.644
Yeah.

00:16:22.705 --> 00:16:24.294
She still fits in the trash can.

00:16:24.759 --> 00:16:25.059
She does.

00:16:25.065 --> 00:16:27.205
She can head in there because I'm done.

00:16:27.475 --> 00:16:27.745
Yeah.

00:16:29.034 --> 00:16:31.884
She's just, she needs attention.

00:16:32.304 --> 00:16:32.514
Yeah.

00:16:32.725 --> 00:16:33.804
All of the time.

00:16:34.495 --> 00:16:35.514
Which is hilarious.

00:16:35.544 --> 00:16:38.634
'cause it's not like she's ever been deprived of attention.

00:16:38.634 --> 00:16:39.804
And I think that's why

00:16:39.924 --> 00:16:41.095
that could make sense.

00:16:41.754 --> 00:16:46.254
I, I don't know.

00:16:46.524 --> 00:16:54.174
I, I want her to, it's getting to the point now where it's like, okay, you are, you're almost six and a half.

00:16:54.325 --> 00:17:09.805
You shouldn't be playing by yourself all the time, but like when you get home from school and you've been with 25 to 30 kids all day, you, you should want to just not stop.

00:17:09.805 --> 00:17:10.375
Stop.

00:17:10.734 --> 00:17:11.035
Yeah.

00:17:12.535 --> 00:17:12.805
Yeah.

00:17:13.674 --> 00:17:14.724
But she, she doesn't,

00:17:16.404 --> 00:17:17.964
her social battery is,

00:17:18.744 --> 00:17:20.305
she's the energizer bunny.

00:17:20.484 --> 00:17:20.724
Yeah.

00:17:20.785 --> 00:17:21.924
Of the social battery.

00:17:22.134 --> 00:17:22.434
It's,

00:17:22.434 --> 00:17:23.095
that's fair.

00:17:23.454 --> 00:17:25.855
I, people call me an energizer bunny.

00:17:25.855 --> 00:17:29.125
They call, someone called me an energizer bunny at work a couple weeks ago and I'm like,

00:17:30.174 --> 00:17:31.285
they don't know you very well.

00:17:31.555 --> 00:17:33.204
I'm like, I just get my shit done.

00:17:33.595 --> 00:17:35.365
I don't think that makes me an energizer bunny.

00:17:35.365 --> 00:17:35.964
'cause I'm over here going,

00:17:35.964 --> 00:17:37.315
was this like on a call or something?

00:17:37.315 --> 00:17:38.515
Yeah, it was like a video call.

00:17:38.845 --> 00:17:41.244
Was it with people you could swear in front of?

00:17:42.355 --> 00:17:43.644
I mean, it probably could have.

00:17:44.335 --> 00:17:44.815
I didn't,

00:17:44.815 --> 00:17:47.755
if I felt comfortable swearing, I would've said like, bitch where,

00:17:49.434 --> 00:17:54.849
I mean this was like my supervisor, our manager, and like department probably can't

00:17:54.849 --> 00:17:55.049
do that.

00:17:55.240 --> 00:17:55.529
Yeah.

00:17:55.750 --> 00:17:55.970
No.

00:17:56.190 --> 00:17:56.410
But

00:17:56.414 --> 00:17:58.974
like at my work where we're all just kind of friends, I've been like, bitch,

00:17:58.974 --> 00:18:00.085
where that's true.

00:18:00.085 --> 00:18:03.484
Like it was nice to get that recognition of yes, we see the work you're doing.

00:18:04.599 --> 00:18:05.619
You energize your bunny.

00:18:05.619 --> 00:18:06.519
You, and I'm going,

00:18:07.839 --> 00:18:10.210
I'm glad you think I'm energetic because I'm dying.

00:18:10.214 --> 00:18:10.315
I'm,

00:18:10.509 --> 00:18:12.009
I'm going to go take a nap.

00:18:12.009 --> 00:18:14.259
Do I can't do that anymore.

00:18:14.589 --> 00:18:16.509
Uh, I do that on my lunch break sometimes.

00:18:16.555 --> 00:18:16.875
I don't know.

00:18:16.875 --> 00:18:16.894
I can't.

00:18:16.894 --> 00:18:20.859
Well, I did until I have an internship that I do on my lunch break.

00:18:21.130 --> 00:18:21.339
Yeah.

00:18:22.720 --> 00:18:25.839
I used to be able to, but now I'm properly medicated.

00:18:26.769 --> 00:18:27.549
Yeah.

00:18:28.634 --> 00:18:31.630
Like, I want to go to sleep to escape everything.

00:18:31.839 --> 00:18:37.329
What was, what was that transition like going from like the, your big med shift?

00:18:37.329 --> 00:18:39.369
'cause you've, if you're comfortable talking about it, I'm

00:18:39.369 --> 00:18:39.670
cool.

00:18:40.089 --> 00:18:48.250
Um,'cause you've had a pretty significant that's, that's, that's like downplaying it.

00:18:48.430 --> 00:18:52.599
You've had a big fucking shift in your meds in the last

00:18:52.690 --> 00:18:54.789
Yeah, because I started seeing a year.

00:18:55.720 --> 00:18:56.230
Yeah.

00:18:56.259 --> 00:18:58.299
I, I have a,

00:19:00.789 --> 00:19:03.220
I have A-P-M-H-N-P.

00:19:04.720 --> 00:19:08.859
Psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner, for those of you who don't speak Alphabet.

00:19:09.369 --> 00:19:16.240
Um, instead of, so that is the person that is now taking care of my mental health medication needs.

00:19:17.470 --> 00:19:24.250
Before it was my primary care physician who I recently dumped because I am,

00:19:26.109 --> 00:19:27.789
she fired him real hard.

00:19:28.210 --> 00:19:29.470
I, and he deserved it.

00:19:29.740 --> 00:19:31.960
He didn't listen to me.

00:19:33.250 --> 00:19:34.269
Yeah, that's a problem.

00:19:35.319 --> 00:19:42.279
And I don't know everything, and I can fully admit that, but I do know my body better than pretty much anybody.

00:19:42.279 --> 00:19:45.250
So when I tell you things, you need to listen.

00:19:48.009 --> 00:19:52.839
And so I fired him and I got specialists for basically everything.

00:19:53.650 --> 00:19:53.859
Yeah.

00:19:54.220 --> 00:19:57.160
Um, and one of them was for psychiatric meds.

00:19:57.549 --> 00:20:03.039
Um, and I had been diagnosed with.

00:20:03.519 --> 00:20:11.079
Bipolar two, which you can expound on because I still don't understand it.

00:20:11.650 --> 00:20:12.160
That's okay.

00:20:12.819 --> 00:20:13.630
Like, I'm fine.

00:20:13.630 --> 00:20:14.109
Don't want it.

00:20:14.109 --> 00:20:14.259
I'm

00:20:14.259 --> 00:20:14.559
fine.

00:20:14.559 --> 00:20:15.190
No, we're good.

00:20:15.430 --> 00:20:15.819
I'll go.

00:20:15.940 --> 00:20:17.079
Here's the, here's what we'll do.

00:20:17.230 --> 00:20:20.859
I'll go back later and I'll record an insert right here.

00:20:22.329 --> 00:20:22.569
Boom.

00:20:22.750 --> 00:20:23.019
Okay.

00:20:23.500 --> 00:20:23.799
Okay,

00:20:24.640 --> 00:20:25.089
we're back.

00:20:25.089 --> 00:20:26.049
We're back.

00:20:26.680 --> 00:20:38.140
Um, so I was diagnosed with bipolar two and then after having Henley Oh, I was put on Seroquel.

00:20:38.319 --> 00:20:40.569
Seroquel is a tranquilizer.

00:20:41.109 --> 00:20:41.289
Yeah,

00:20:41.515 --> 00:20:41.894
it is.

00:20:44.410 --> 00:20:45.400
It is for mania.

00:20:45.579 --> 00:20:48.605
It is for, yeah.

00:20:48.609 --> 00:20:48.700
Yeah.

00:20:49.420 --> 00:20:59.319
So I had been on that from 2013 until 2024.

00:20:59.755 --> 00:21:03.954
So pretty much actually the whole time that we've known each other.

00:21:04.075 --> 00:21:04.585
Yes.

00:21:04.644 --> 00:21:05.664
You were on Seroquel?

00:21:05.785 --> 00:21:05.964
Yes.

00:21:06.325 --> 00:21:06.505
Yeah.

00:21:07.315 --> 00:21:12.865
Um, and I was a zombie.

00:21:13.674 --> 00:21:15.384
I could sleep anytime.

00:21:16.224 --> 00:21:18.025
I was constantly depressed.

00:21:18.505 --> 00:21:27.025
Um, my anxiety just kept building and getting better because I couldn't feel it until it was like a pressure cooker up to the point where it was just like,

00:21:27.835 --> 00:21:28.075
yeah.

00:21:29.005 --> 00:21:32.224
Um, So you had an, an

00:21:32.224 --> 00:21:33.484
anxiety explosion?

00:21:33.545 --> 00:21:34.085
I did.

00:21:34.085 --> 00:21:41.075
I kept having anxiety explosions and I was told by my therapist who I, I actually think was like a counselor.

00:21:41.164 --> 00:21:41.194
Okay.

00:21:41.795 --> 00:21:44.194
Because she was not able to diagnose or prescribe.

00:21:44.974 --> 00:21:47.194
So it may have more been like a counselor situation.

00:21:47.194 --> 00:21:47.795
I don't really know.

00:21:47.795 --> 00:21:48.095
Yeah, maybe.

00:21:48.694 --> 00:21:50.134
Um, I didn't question it.

00:21:50.134 --> 00:21:50.734
She helped me.

00:21:51.305 --> 00:21:58.414
Um, but she was like, you should go see this person who's like two doors down from my office.

00:21:58.684 --> 00:22:04.414
Make an appointment with him and you should just, you should go do that and I'll pass along my notes because we're all in the same practice.

00:22:05.075 --> 00:22:07.474
Um, just, you know, just give me permission to do that.

00:22:07.474 --> 00:22:08.015
I'm like, great.

00:22:08.015 --> 00:22:08.525
I love it.

00:22:08.585 --> 00:22:12.305
I love not having to brief people on all of my crap.

00:22:12.545 --> 00:22:13.325
Everything.

00:22:13.384 --> 00:22:13.654
Yeah.

00:22:14.345 --> 00:22:24.545
Um, so did that, went to him and he was like, yeah, you do not have bipolar at all, so we're gonna get you off that Seroquel right now.

00:22:25.535 --> 00:22:29.164
So 11 years of misdiagnosis and mis medication.

00:22:29.194 --> 00:22:29.615
Yes.

00:22:31.355 --> 00:22:35.134
Um, and then he was like, okay, why did you go on that?

00:22:35.134 --> 00:22:40.265
And I told him my symptoms and he's like, that sounds to me a lot like.

00:22:40.894 --> 00:22:42.664
You were misdiagnosed.

00:22:43.025 --> 00:22:53.434
Like a lot of women were in the 2010s, uh, because they had adult, they were women with adult A DHD.

00:22:54.335 --> 00:22:55.174
Oh, yeah.

00:22:56.134 --> 00:22:57.994
And I was like, okay.

00:22:57.994 --> 00:22:59.525
But it didn't get really bad.

00:23:00.065 --> 00:23:07.265
Like the reason I'm seeking it out now is because in 2019 I had a child and I feel like I'm going crazy.

00:23:07.625 --> 00:23:07.805
Yeah.

00:23:07.805 --> 00:23:09.125
I can't remember anything.

00:23:09.575 --> 00:23:13.384
I can't, I can't focus, I can't do anything.

00:23:13.384 --> 00:23:15.724
I feel like I've straight up lost my mind.

00:23:16.295 --> 00:23:20.255
And he's like, mark things on this piece of paper.

00:23:21.545 --> 00:23:27.005
And he gave me a little quiz, which I'm used to taking anyway from my anxiety and depression.

00:23:27.424 --> 00:23:28.204
PHQ

00:23:28.204 --> 00:23:29.015
and the gad.

00:23:29.315 --> 00:23:30.035
Is it GAD seven,

00:23:30.365 --> 00:23:31.444
PHQ nine, and the GAD seven?

00:23:31.505 --> 00:23:32.289
Yeah, that's what it's Yeah.

00:23:32.295 --> 00:23:34.625
I take those every three months.

00:23:34.714 --> 00:23:34.954
Yep.

00:23:35.255 --> 00:23:35.525
Yep.

00:23:36.335 --> 00:23:38.765
Um, and, uh.

00:23:40.444 --> 00:23:43.835
My, my PHQ nine was the highest it could be.

00:23:44.075 --> 00:23:44.194
Oh yeah.

00:23:44.194 --> 00:23:44.704
At that point.

00:23:44.704 --> 00:23:44.884
Yeah.

00:23:45.275 --> 00:23:48.515
Um, and my depression was not great.

00:23:49.924 --> 00:23:53.404
Um, and oh my God, I had a DHD.

00:23:54.755 --> 00:23:55.009
What, what?

00:23:56.765 --> 00:24:09.605
Um, so we had to do a lot of slow med changes because it was, I mean, it was 13 years of meds.

00:24:09.845 --> 00:24:10.174
Yeah.

00:24:10.924 --> 00:24:12.454
That was like in your system?

00:24:12.575 --> 00:24:13.025
Yeah.

00:24:13.085 --> 00:24:14.464
Or like yeah, 13 years.

00:24:14.464 --> 00:24:14.644
How

00:24:14.644 --> 00:24:15.005
long?

00:24:15.005 --> 00:24:15.694
I don't remember.

00:24:15.694 --> 00:24:19.984
How long was the transition before you were like actually off the Seroquel?

00:24:21.545 --> 00:24:22.115
Um,

00:24:23.194 --> 00:24:29.404
I, I got switched from,'cause we, we talked about why I was put on the Seroquel in the first place.

00:24:29.464 --> 00:24:29.825
Right.

00:24:29.974 --> 00:24:33.994
Um, and it was because I have a hard time with mood stabilization.

00:24:34.115 --> 00:24:38.644
So because I have a hard time with mood stabilization, the male doctor.

00:24:38.974 --> 00:24:41.765
Who didn't really care was like, Ugh, then you're bipolar.

00:24:41.765 --> 00:24:41.825
Ugh.

00:24:43.744 --> 00:24:47.494
No, it's because I have a hard time stabilizing my moods.

00:24:48.904 --> 00:24:48.994
Yeah.

00:24:49.025 --> 00:24:50.855
Because I have depression and anxiety.

00:24:50.855 --> 00:24:53.075
And a DHD, sir.

00:24:53.740 --> 00:24:54.305
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:24:54.335 --> 00:24:57.214
Anyway, I can't thank God for specialists.

00:24:57.214 --> 00:25:01.805
I, I mean, I, this is probably me making excuses for him.

00:25:02.494 --> 00:25:07.775
I try not to judge him too hard on the mental health aspect things, because those are, that's like a niche thing.

00:25:08.464 --> 00:25:12.154
And if you don't have a lot of training in that, yeah.

00:25:12.154 --> 00:25:13.565
You are gonna misdiagnose things.

00:25:13.625 --> 00:25:17.704
And I feel like primary care physicians think they know things.

00:25:17.704 --> 00:25:19.565
'cause they had to take like a psych class.

00:25:21.545 --> 00:25:23.494
I mean, yeah, that would make sense.

00:25:23.525 --> 00:25:26.345
But it's so much deeper than that.

00:25:26.434 --> 00:25:29.759
Well, and I think it, it depends on the, the doctor too, like.

00:25:30.365 --> 00:25:34.714
Like my, my PCP is like, how's your depression?

00:25:34.714 --> 00:25:35.555
How's your anxiety?

00:25:35.555 --> 00:25:36.605
Do I need a refill?

00:25:36.605 --> 00:25:37.204
Any of your meds?

00:25:37.384 --> 00:25:39.515
Are you still seeing your prescriber?

00:25:40.174 --> 00:25:40.984
How's that going?

00:25:40.984 --> 00:25:42.154
I'm like, it's great.

00:25:42.154 --> 00:25:43.115
He's like, cool.

00:25:43.115 --> 00:25:44.464
If you need anything, let me know.

00:25:44.914 --> 00:25:45.065
Yeah.

00:25:45.065 --> 00:25:46.144
Why wasn't like that?

00:25:46.144 --> 00:25:46.204
No,

00:25:46.924 --> 00:26:00.605
I, I have been very fortunate in that the doctors have had who they either know something but know the limits of what they know or just like, I don't know really a lot of anything here, let me send you somewhere that does

00:26:01.444 --> 00:26:01.565
No.

00:26:01.565 --> 00:26:01.894
Which makes

00:26:01.894 --> 00:26:03.065
me so mad for you.

00:26:03.394 --> 00:26:10.684
I, um, I don't have a good relationship with primary care physicians at all.

00:26:10.954 --> 00:26:11.164
Yeah.

00:26:11.255 --> 00:26:12.575
I've never had one.

00:26:12.694 --> 00:26:18.845
I'm hoping that this one is a good one that I have right now who is new and I've only seen once.

00:26:18.964 --> 00:26:20.255
He was okay.

00:26:21.184 --> 00:26:23.255
He knew I was really anxious about it.

00:26:23.255 --> 00:26:24.875
'cause he saw Justin first.

00:26:25.565 --> 00:26:26.494
Oh, that's right.

00:26:26.585 --> 00:26:28.295
He worked through his lunch.

00:26:29.480 --> 00:26:32.210
To like, and you were really anxious going into that appointment.

00:26:32.210 --> 00:26:33.619
I was, we were texting Yeah.

00:26:33.619 --> 00:26:38.509
A lot about that because he saw my husband first and he was like, oh, I have another Ross today.

00:26:38.509 --> 00:26:39.680
He is like, that's my wife.

00:26:39.680 --> 00:26:41.359
And he's like, oh, okay.

00:26:41.569 --> 00:26:47.119
And he looks, and he's like, that is a complicated list of concerns.

00:26:48.740 --> 00:26:49.009
Yeah.

00:26:49.015 --> 00:26:54.049
Because I have a very long list of things, um, that I'm working on.

00:26:54.859 --> 00:27:02.210
Well, and you have, you have advocated for yourself when you need, when you think there's something going on.

00:27:03.200 --> 00:27:03.589
Yeah.

00:27:03.950 --> 00:27:10.910
Because you've had to Ma'am, just hang out in your little cone.

00:27:11.089 --> 00:27:11.420
Okay.

00:27:12.619 --> 00:27:16.250
We'll put pictures of how adorable you are while you hate me.

00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:24.200
She's like, um, she's destroyed that cone.

00:27:24.710 --> 00:27:25.039
Yeah.

00:27:25.099 --> 00:27:25.309
Yeah.

00:27:26.464 --> 00:27:26.855
Good girl.

00:27:27.005 --> 00:27:29.224
She looks like a little like babushka cat.

00:27:29.285 --> 00:27:30.005
She does a little bit.

00:27:30.005 --> 00:27:34.025
She also sometimes reminds me of the lamp from Pixar, like the Pixar lamp.

00:27:34.744 --> 00:27:35.720
There have been a couple times she's trying to

00:27:35.720 --> 00:27:36.000
get outta it.

00:27:36.125 --> 00:27:37.505
She's so pissed.

00:27:37.565 --> 00:27:37.775
Yeah.

00:27:37.775 --> 00:27:41.615
Oh, she tries to get out of it all the time and she's like, I can't even give myself a bath.

00:27:41.644 --> 00:27:42.305
Thank goodness.

00:27:42.305 --> 00:27:43.319
It has like the sinchy.

00:27:44.099 --> 00:27:46.240
Oh, so it velcros and cinch.

00:27:46.579 --> 00:27:47.119
That's good.

00:27:47.464 --> 00:27:48.065
Yeah, that's

00:27:48.065 --> 00:27:48.515
been helpful.

00:27:49.115 --> 00:28:03.335
Um, so yeah, I went from Seroquel tranquilizers to a mood stabilizer and then we switched me off my anti-depression, anti-anxiety meds onto something else.

00:28:03.839 --> 00:28:06.515
'cause I get real ragey when it's that time of the month.

00:28:07.474 --> 00:28:10.085
Uh, and so we started.

00:28:10.640 --> 00:28:13.759
Looking for something that was better for PMDD, which guess what?

00:28:13.759 --> 00:28:14.839
I do have that.

00:28:15.529 --> 00:28:22.099
Um, I could commit a lot of crimes while I am PMSing and I will feel bad about them later.

00:28:22.460 --> 00:28:24.259
I could commit a lot of crimes.

00:28:24.589 --> 00:28:25.579
Oh, I love that.

00:28:26.299 --> 00:28:32.569
You know, it's helpful not to feel bad about it in the moment'cause that means you'll be more effective at the committing of the crime.

00:28:35.180 --> 00:28:41.809
Yeah, but also like I have, I, I feel like that that would be harder to

00:28:41.809 --> 00:28:42.289
get out of

00:28:42.289 --> 00:28:42.380
in

00:28:42.380 --> 00:28:42.769
court.

00:28:43.220 --> 00:28:45.920
That's, this is not me telling anyone to go commit crime.

00:28:45.980 --> 00:28:46.609
No, don't do that.

00:28:47.119 --> 00:28:48.890
But just observing.

00:28:49.789 --> 00:28:55.430
We, we kid, we kid don't, please don't commit crimes and attribute it to this podcast.

00:28:55.759 --> 00:28:56.119
No.

00:28:56.539 --> 00:28:58.039
You can attribute other things.

00:28:58.039 --> 00:29:03.049
This is not, this is not legal advice or medical advice.

00:29:05.150 --> 00:29:05.869
That's so true.

00:29:06.410 --> 00:29:14.299
Um, but how does, how does it feel now to have a doctor who like listened and was informed when you went in?

00:29:14.299 --> 00:29:15.559
It was kind of nice.

00:29:15.650 --> 00:29:15.920
Yeah.

00:29:15.924 --> 00:29:15.934
I

00:29:15.934 --> 00:29:18.349
mean, like, by kind of, I mean really, I almost cried.

00:29:18.980 --> 00:29:22.400
Um, he listened to me when I said that my hand joints hurt.

00:29:23.329 --> 00:29:27.589
Um, because I have something called, um, it's called scleroderma.

00:29:28.279 --> 00:29:36.440
It is a thickening of the skin tissue, and it is a very close relative of rheumatoid arthritis.

00:29:37.160 --> 00:29:49.400
And so I was told by a rheumatologist that I went to go see that if I ever have, start having joint pain, that is kind of like, am I getting arthritis?

00:29:49.400 --> 00:29:51.829
Like, is this, are my joints swollen?

00:29:51.829 --> 00:29:52.490
Are they sore?

00:29:52.490 --> 00:29:56.119
Like I also have very hypermobile finger joints.

00:29:56.119 --> 00:29:57.710
So like, are they getting stuck?

00:29:58.369 --> 00:30:00.380
And you're not able,'cause they do.

00:30:00.589 --> 00:30:00.859
Yeah.

00:30:01.069 --> 00:30:07.880
I'll like be pushing on my pen or whatever and like my joint will get stuck in the up position and I have to like click it back down.

00:30:07.880 --> 00:30:07.910
Oh.

00:30:08.390 --> 00:30:20.329
Um, so, uh, I was supposed to talk to my PCP, um, my, the past, the, the last one.

00:30:20.779 --> 00:30:35.089
Um, he was like, huh, well, I mean if you want to, we can go get, we can get you an x-ray and we can test you for RH factors or RA factors, um, in your blood.

00:30:35.089 --> 00:30:35.960
And I was like, okay.

00:30:36.529 --> 00:30:39.500
Um, and that's not kept.

00:30:39.769 --> 00:30:42.200
Um, so I went and got x-rays.

00:30:42.200 --> 00:30:49.819
There was no, uh, degeneration of the tissue, um, which is good.

00:30:50.269 --> 00:30:51.680
And there were no RA factors.

00:30:52.174 --> 00:30:53.555
That can change.

00:30:53.585 --> 00:30:56.855
Like just because you don't have them now doesn't mean you won't have them later.

00:30:57.005 --> 00:30:57.214
Yeah,

00:30:57.515 --> 00:30:58.595
they just haven't come out yet.

00:30:59.045 --> 00:31:18.095
And uh, I learned after, uh, talking with my new PCP, uh, what made him concerned was that I was still having the pain I was having months later and it was just getting progressively worse'cause it's in my hands and

00:31:18.335 --> 00:31:19.444
those are kind of important.

00:31:19.654 --> 00:31:22.535
And he looked at the X-ray and he is like, well yeah, there's no degeneration.

00:31:22.535 --> 00:31:26.884
'cause you just started seeing symptoms like six months ago.

00:31:27.484 --> 00:31:30.545
Degeneration, especially with ra, it doesn't happen for a while.

00:31:30.545 --> 00:31:32.464
Like that is when you're having a problem.

00:31:33.005 --> 00:31:35.464
Yeah, that's when you're past the prevention phase.

00:31:37.265 --> 00:31:45.394
So, um, that doctor was waiting, the, the old doctor was waiting for me to have a problem apparently instead of taking care of the one I was having.

00:31:46.085 --> 00:31:47.765
That's, that's lovely, isn't it?

00:31:48.005 --> 00:31:48.545
Um.

00:31:48.934 --> 00:32:00.275
So now I'm on a medication that is for arthritis pain and I take it daily and I actually don't have sore finger joints every 25 seconds.

00:32:00.575 --> 00:32:01.204
Yay.

00:32:01.414 --> 00:32:02.075
Which is nice.

00:32:02.525 --> 00:32:02.765
It's

00:32:02.765 --> 00:32:03.694
validating too.

00:32:03.694 --> 00:32:05.644
You're like, I'm not crazy.

00:32:05.644 --> 00:32:06.634
I did know.

00:32:06.964 --> 00:32:08.525
So I did know what's happening.

00:32:08.555 --> 00:32:12.095
Doctors think I'm lying when I say I am pain tolerant.

00:32:13.025 --> 00:32:13.295
Yeah.

00:32:13.805 --> 00:32:13.954
Which

00:32:13.954 --> 00:32:15.904
is dumb, which is annoying to me.

00:32:15.964 --> 00:32:16.295
Yeah.

00:32:17.224 --> 00:32:19.625
I didn't know I was pain tolerant until I was in labor.

00:32:20.285 --> 00:32:22.055
Yeah, I remember hearing about that.

00:32:23.315 --> 00:32:29.285
But apparent, like apparently I am, and doctors think I'm lying like all the time,

00:32:30.904 --> 00:32:32.045
which is just like,

00:32:32.045 --> 00:32:40.714
like if I say that I am in pain because I am not crying and squirming or whatever, I'm not acting quote normal.

00:32:42.275 --> 00:32:42.724
Um.

00:32:43.414 --> 00:32:48.005
Because I, I essentially have the pain scale of like someone with chronic pain.

00:32:48.575 --> 00:32:48.724
Yeah.

00:32:49.684 --> 00:32:57.845
I don't necessarily have chronic pain, in my opinion, because I feel like the people that I know with chronic pain have a lot worse pain than I do.

00:32:58.115 --> 00:32:58.265
Yeah.

00:32:58.775 --> 00:33:04.174
But like my pain scale is kind of there like a seven.

00:33:04.174 --> 00:33:09.005
To me, I thought labor was like a eight or a nine.

00:33:11.585 --> 00:33:11.734
Huh.

00:33:13.474 --> 00:33:16.384
So if I tell you that I'm hurting at like a seven

00:33:16.744 --> 00:33:17.075
Yeah.

00:33:18.095 --> 00:33:20.644
That's, that's pretty freaking high to me.

00:33:20.855 --> 00:33:21.154
Yeah.

00:33:21.845 --> 00:33:27.335
Um, I mean, when I broke my ankle I was like, it's like a five.

00:33:27.365 --> 00:33:27.785
Right.

00:33:27.785 --> 00:33:28.805
You're like, it's fine.

00:33:29.285 --> 00:33:32.345
I mean, just go walk on the, on it to the car and they're like, don't.

00:33:32.795 --> 00:33:32.944
Yeah.

00:33:32.944 --> 00:33:33.214
Right.

00:33:33.214 --> 00:33:33.305
It's

00:33:33.575 --> 00:33:34.144
like, ugh.

00:33:35.045 --> 00:33:40.384
Um, but yeah, I just, I mean, it feels good that I'm being heard Good.

00:33:40.474 --> 00:33:40.954
And that I'm.

00:33:41.555 --> 00:33:45.154
I'm not getting written in my notes that I'm maligning.

00:33:45.904 --> 00:33:46.204
Ugh.

00:33:46.625 --> 00:33:47.404
I hate that.

00:33:48.005 --> 00:33:48.934
That's the worst.

00:33:49.295 --> 00:33:49.625
That's

00:33:49.805 --> 00:33:50.134
Lily.

00:33:50.134 --> 00:33:51.875
Are you talking to your adoring fans?

00:33:53.045 --> 00:33:54.154
Oh, you are.

00:33:54.154 --> 00:33:54.515
Okay.

00:33:54.724 --> 00:33:55.984
You have a lot of feelings about that.

00:33:55.984 --> 00:33:56.075
I have

00:33:57.154 --> 00:33:59.525
a lot of feelings about this net around my head, mom.

00:33:59.529 --> 00:33:59.730
Yeah.

00:34:00.009 --> 00:34:00.019
Yeah,

00:34:00.910 --> 00:34:01.329
you do.

00:34:02.440 --> 00:34:03.089
Yeah, you do.

00:34:04.924 --> 00:34:11.434
Do you think that your anxiety has gotten better?

00:34:11.885 --> 00:34:12.125
No.

00:34:12.215 --> 00:34:19.835
Knowing that you have somebody who's gonna listen, like your anxiety about like going to not like every day anxiety.

00:34:19.925 --> 00:34:21.815
You started grad school at the end of July.

00:34:21.815 --> 00:34:23.210
Your anxiety has just gotten worse.

00:34:23.409 --> 00:34:27.034
I was like, no, because I'm in grad school and

00:34:27.034 --> 00:34:29.224
I understand I have two jobs.

00:34:29.224 --> 00:34:32.045
I'm in grad school and I'm a mom and I'm trying to be a wife and stuff.

00:34:32.045 --> 00:34:33.485
It's like, yeah.

00:34:34.429 --> 00:34:37.280
I don't have a life, um, about the provider.

00:34:37.280 --> 00:34:45.889
Yes, I do feel like I am going to be heard, and if I have a concern, I can make an appointment and I can voice my concerns and they'll actually look at it.

00:34:46.309 --> 00:34:46.610
Yeah.

00:34:46.730 --> 00:34:58.369
Um, what this new provider said when I, at the end of that appointment, um, the first one that we had, and the only one I've had really, um, was uh, I was like, thank you for listening to me.

00:34:58.369 --> 00:35:00.170
He goes, that is literally my job.

00:35:01.250 --> 00:35:03.440
And I was like, thank you.

00:35:03.889 --> 00:35:04.219
Yeah.

00:35:04.280 --> 00:35:06.469
For doing that part of your job.

00:35:06.679 --> 00:35:07.400
Yeah.

00:35:08.239 --> 00:35:08.690
Yeah.

00:35:08.690 --> 00:35:12.260
Especially after having had the opposite for such a long time.

00:35:12.289 --> 00:35:12.650
Yeah.

00:35:12.739 --> 00:35:15.349
And it's been every doctor I've ever had.

00:35:15.409 --> 00:35:15.800
Yeah.

00:35:16.849 --> 00:35:19.099
They're all men, number one.

00:35:20.210 --> 00:35:20.599
Yeah.

00:35:20.599 --> 00:35:26.809
And see the, the weird thing, like my experience with male doctors is the opposite.

00:35:26.929 --> 00:35:28.514
Like I have had, it's great for you.

00:35:28.940 --> 00:35:29.960
It's weird.

00:35:30.320 --> 00:35:39.320
It's weird, like I've had better experiences with the male doctors I've worked with than the female doctors with like one exception, but yeah.

00:35:39.320 --> 00:35:54.349
Well, and then like, I think after one of them also made me allergic to things and I broke out in hives and it was the first time I got high on Benadryl, on accident, and I was with my mother,

00:35:54.409 --> 00:35:56.179
and then he took it like peanuts.

00:35:57.139 --> 00:35:57.409
Well, we all

00:35:57.409 --> 00:35:57.559
make

00:35:57.559 --> 00:35:58.039
choices.

00:35:58.940 --> 00:36:25.639
Um, I, having been to in a medical situation with you and seeing you interact with doctors, you aren't like overly pushy, but you are very, um, assured in how you speak to them, which is something I can't do.

00:36:26.135 --> 00:36:26.344
Yeah.

00:36:28.445 --> 00:36:36.335
Because as soon as someone's like trying to gaslight me about what I'm feeling pain wise or health or like emotion wise, right?

00:36:36.425 --> 00:36:38.045
I'm like, you must be right.

00:36:38.675 --> 00:36:39.005
Right.

00:36:39.335 --> 00:36:42.335
And you shut down because you're used to people disbelieving you.

00:36:42.724 --> 00:36:43.264
Yes.

00:36:43.505 --> 00:36:44.585
I even gaslight myself.

00:36:44.824 --> 00:36:46.505
I mean, yeah.

00:36:46.804 --> 00:36:48.034
I gaslight myself.

00:36:50.074 --> 00:36:56.405
So the meds you're on now, how do you feel those are going after you're tranquilizer

00:36:56.795 --> 00:36:59.105
experience to like, I'm no longer a zombie.

00:36:59.105 --> 00:37:10.505
I've cried more in the past six to nine months or so, being like the full change has been there for about six months.

00:37:10.505 --> 00:37:10.775
Yeah.

00:37:11.344 --> 00:37:11.795
Um.

00:37:13.550 --> 00:37:20.719
I've cried more in that past six months than I did in the 11 years I was taking the Seroquel, and I fucking hate it.

00:37:20.784 --> 00:37:21.074
Yeah.

00:37:22.400 --> 00:37:22.730
Yeah.

00:37:22.789 --> 00:37:24.860
I severely dislike it.

00:37:25.184 --> 00:37:25.755
It's not great.

00:37:25.755 --> 00:37:25.764
I

00:37:25.909 --> 00:37:27.920
cry almost every week when I go to therapy.

00:37:28.099 --> 00:37:28.340
Yeah.

00:37:29.750 --> 00:37:36.739
And then I say, I'm sorry, and then I get talked to about saying sorry for existing, and then I cry more.

00:37:39.019 --> 00:37:41.900
Does your therapist tell you that it's okay for you to take up space?

00:37:43.760 --> 00:37:44.090
Oh

00:37:44.300 --> 00:37:45.650
yeah, she did yesterday.

00:37:45.650 --> 00:37:51.710
Kat, Kat and my therapist, I think, are the same person in different bodies.

00:37:52.070 --> 00:37:56.030
I, I get that from a number of my friends.

00:37:56.210 --> 00:37:56.539
They're like.

00:37:57.500 --> 00:37:58.760
My therapist said the same thing.

00:37:58.760 --> 00:37:59.929
I'm like, I don't know what to tell you.

00:37:59.929 --> 00:38:01.579
I'm working on getting my, my degree.

00:38:01.579 --> 00:38:01.969
Okay.

00:38:02.150 --> 00:38:02.539
And then I

00:38:02.539 --> 00:38:05.269
usually see you on Saturdays and I have therapy on Fridays.

00:38:05.275 --> 00:38:05.565
It's terrible.

00:38:05.625 --> 00:38:06.469
So it's like, yes.

00:38:06.619 --> 00:38:09.139
She just said that less than 24 hours ago.

00:38:10.849 --> 00:38:11.329
So Yes.

00:38:12.500 --> 00:38:13.789
It's so fucking annoying though.

00:38:13.789 --> 00:38:19.250
You're like, I can take up whatever space I want and it could be this little tiny spot right here.

00:38:19.250 --> 00:38:19.309
No,

00:38:19.309 --> 00:38:19.460
I can't.

00:38:19.460 --> 00:38:21.409
I'm not supposed to leave a trace.

00:38:21.559 --> 00:38:30.500
Catherine, you made a spicy mischievous on the cusp of Light and Dark Jedi.

00:38:30.619 --> 00:38:31.550
Oh, she's her.

00:38:31.550 --> 00:38:33.050
She does her own thing.

00:38:33.050 --> 00:38:33.829
That's not me.

00:38:36.394 --> 00:38:36.684
Okay.

00:38:37.010 --> 00:38:40.789
I mean, I think she's a pretty significant trace just to put that out there.

00:38:41.659 --> 00:38:42.349
She's not me.

00:38:42.349 --> 00:38:43.039
She's her.

00:38:43.250 --> 00:38:43.400
Alright.

00:38:44.750 --> 00:38:46.820
I like the rationalization that's going into this.

00:38:47.539 --> 00:38:48.170
It's very nice.

00:38:48.175 --> 00:38:48.545
Very nice.

00:38:48.710 --> 00:38:49.369
I'm really good at it.

00:38:49.460 --> 00:38:49.880
I know.

00:38:50.780 --> 00:38:51.860
That's why we have a good time.

00:38:52.400 --> 00:38:55.730
Oh, my therapist literally told me yesterday.

00:38:58.550 --> 00:39:02.929
Because, oh, back to the parenting of my child when I'm trying to reparent myself.

00:39:02.929 --> 00:39:03.349
Here we go.

00:39:03.349 --> 00:39:04.340
Perfect example.

00:39:04.699 --> 00:39:11.539
And Liz's been having that this thing where whenever we have to correct her for something.

00:39:12.170 --> 00:39:12.920
Yes.

00:39:13.940 --> 00:39:14.659
Anything.

00:39:15.440 --> 00:39:21.530
And it can be something really simple like, Hey kid, you forgot to pick up that toy.

00:39:21.650 --> 00:39:22.789
You left the toy over there.

00:39:23.150 --> 00:39:24.409
I did ask you to pick it up.

00:39:25.309 --> 00:39:26.510
You picked up the rest of them.

00:39:26.510 --> 00:39:27.050
Awesome job.

00:39:27.050 --> 00:39:28.579
But I also need that one picked up.

00:39:29.210 --> 00:39:31.039
And she's just like, oh, sorry.

00:39:31.460 --> 00:39:33.829
And she just gets really small in on herself.

00:39:34.340 --> 00:39:45.289
And at first I thought she was just doing it for like attention or something, and then I'm like, no, no, because Justin and I don't really give her attention for it.

00:39:45.289 --> 00:39:46.639
We're like, we're not mad at you, dude.

00:39:46.969 --> 00:39:47.269
Yeah.

00:39:47.329 --> 00:39:48.440
We just need you to go do the thing.

00:39:49.369 --> 00:39:51.980
Um, and uh.

00:39:53.480 --> 00:40:09.170
So I've been trying to figure out how to parent her through it and how to talk to her in a way that will help her see and understand that she's not in trouble.

00:40:09.260 --> 00:40:10.369
I'm not angry.

00:40:11.030 --> 00:40:11.960
None of those things.

00:40:11.960 --> 00:40:17.929
Like this is not, this does not have to be a negative thing, but it is a thing that does need to be handled.

00:40:18.019 --> 00:40:18.320
Yeah.

00:40:19.250 --> 00:40:33.590
Um, and uh, I was telling my therapist that,'cause I was just like, I don't, I don't know what to do and my therapist was not asking this question for any reason, but for, to like, gauge things a little bit.

00:40:33.710 --> 00:40:33.980
Yeah.

00:40:34.010 --> 00:40:41.420
This was not a read, this was not like a Hmm, like a, like that like sly side look that and everybody else do.

00:40:41.480 --> 00:40:41.630
I'm,

00:40:41.630 --> 00:40:43.159
it's, I've perfected it over many years.

00:40:43.405 --> 00:40:43.844
It's like, but

00:40:43.844 --> 00:40:45.445
do you look uhhuh?

00:40:46.264 --> 00:40:48.320
So she, she looks at me and she goes.

00:40:49.835 --> 00:40:50.405
Okay.

00:40:50.585 --> 00:40:52.445
How many times a day do you, would you say?

00:40:52.445 --> 00:40:53.224
You say sorry.

00:40:53.315 --> 00:40:57.875
And I was just like taken aback and I just like crunched my chin into my neck.

00:40:58.324 --> 00:40:58.534
Mm-hmm.

00:40:59.164 --> 00:41:00.485
And you turtle hard.

00:41:00.539 --> 00:41:06.005
I turtled really hard and I was like, oh my God, it's me.

00:41:08.014 --> 00:41:09.574
And she was like, what?

00:41:09.934 --> 00:41:12.965
Because that's not the, like, that's not why she said it.

00:41:12.965 --> 00:41:13.204
That

00:41:13.204 --> 00:41:14.375
wasn't where she was going with it.

00:41:14.375 --> 00:41:14.764
No,

00:41:14.795 --> 00:41:15.695
not at all.

00:41:15.994 --> 00:41:18.934
Um, and I was like, it's me.

00:41:18.934 --> 00:41:21.094
It's a learned behavior from me.

00:41:22.474 --> 00:41:26.764
And she was like, not what I meant, but tell me about that.

00:41:26.885 --> 00:41:27.489
Tell me more.

00:41:28.324 --> 00:41:32.675
And I was like, I apologize, like all the time.

00:41:33.005 --> 00:41:34.534
'cause I feel like I need to.

00:41:34.594 --> 00:41:38.974
And she was like, oh, like when I didn't see you in the waiting room earlier and I came and got you.

00:41:38.974 --> 00:41:40.414
And I said, oh, I didn't see you there.

00:41:40.414 --> 00:41:41.405
And you said, sorry.

00:41:43.054 --> 00:41:43.849
I was like, uhhuh.

00:41:47.105 --> 00:41:49.625
And I was just like, yeah, that.

00:41:49.744 --> 00:41:52.295
And she was like, so you apologize for existing?

00:41:52.445 --> 00:41:55.324
And I'm like, no.

00:41:55.775 --> 00:41:57.244
Why are you talking to me like that?

00:41:57.304 --> 00:41:58.864
I don't apologize for existing.

00:41:58.864 --> 00:42:00.364
I'm a delightful person.

00:42:00.664 --> 00:42:04.625
I apologize for people having to remember that I exist when I'm gone.

00:42:07.355 --> 00:42:09.094
Her brains are so fucking weird.

00:42:09.574 --> 00:42:10.025
Yeah,

00:42:10.565 --> 00:42:11.704
they're so weird.

00:42:13.114 --> 00:42:15.065
And I like your therapist.

00:42:15.605 --> 00:42:16.505
Yeah, she's great.

00:42:18.905 --> 00:42:21.815
But like making that connection even though that's not what she meant.

00:42:21.815 --> 00:42:22.175
You're like,

00:42:22.684 --> 00:42:25.625
fuck, I hate therapy epiphanies.

00:42:25.925 --> 00:42:26.494
Oh yeah.

00:42:26.494 --> 00:42:27.394
No, they're the worst.

00:42:30.364 --> 00:42:30.724
Yeah.

00:42:31.534 --> 00:42:31.954
Yeah.

00:42:32.164 --> 00:42:33.275
That was a big one yesterday.

00:42:34.474 --> 00:42:34.864
And I told

00:42:34.864 --> 00:42:38.224
Justin And you still agreed to come podcast with me tonight.

00:42:38.284 --> 00:42:39.094
I did.

00:42:39.184 --> 00:42:40.295
That was a choice.

00:42:41.014 --> 00:42:42.784
Yeah, it's'cause I had cookies.

00:42:43.505 --> 00:42:44.494
No, I haven't eaten one.

00:42:44.585 --> 00:42:45.125
I know you.

00:42:45.125 --> 00:42:46.684
There's a whole plate of cookies.

00:42:47.030 --> 00:42:47.630
Right there.

00:42:47.630 --> 00:42:49.400
And I haven't eaten any of this batch.

00:42:49.550 --> 00:42:50.269
Like none of them.

00:42:50.599 --> 00:42:50.809
Why?

00:42:50.809 --> 00:42:51.860
Because I was coming over.

00:42:51.920 --> 00:42:54.650
No, like I took some, where'd I go?

00:42:54.769 --> 00:43:00.139
Oh, when we went up to Tiger Today can you do me a favor and take a picture of this?

00:43:00.260 --> 00:43:00.349
Yeah.

00:43:00.530 --> 00:43:01.219
That's happening.

00:43:05.780 --> 00:43:06.289
Fucking cat.

00:43:08.389 --> 00:43:09.679
Fucking cat with a fucking cat.

00:43:11.554 --> 00:43:11.795
Thank

00:43:11.795 --> 00:43:12.184
you.

00:43:12.190 --> 00:43:12.844
You are welcome.

00:43:13.775 --> 00:43:15.934
Um, anyhow,

00:43:16.594 --> 00:43:18.364
anything, I don't know what we're talking about.

00:43:19.684 --> 00:43:21.155
Me having feelings and,

00:43:21.215 --> 00:43:21.905
oh, yeah.

00:43:22.715 --> 00:43:23.405
Feelings.

00:43:23.585 --> 00:43:24.065
Ugh.

00:43:24.155 --> 00:43:25.985
Taking up space and having feelings.

00:43:26.045 --> 00:43:26.494
Yeah.

00:43:26.675 --> 00:43:28.775
That, see, I tried to forget it.

00:43:28.985 --> 00:43:29.375
Yeah.

00:43:29.675 --> 00:43:29.855
Yeah.

00:43:29.855 --> 00:43:30.275
You did.

00:43:30.875 --> 00:43:33.664
You tried to remove yourself from that space.

00:43:33.664 --> 00:43:36.065
Didn't, didn't work

00:43:36.304 --> 00:43:36.965
back out of it.

00:43:39.005 --> 00:43:50.074
How, how, I mean, I know it's been less than 24 hours, but like, how, how did that shift your thinking, like when you had that stupid therapy epiphany?

00:43:50.494 --> 00:43:51.425
Because those are the worst.

00:43:51.454 --> 00:43:51.875
They're so

00:43:51.875 --> 00:43:52.385
annoying.

00:43:52.505 --> 00:43:54.574
So those are the ones I talked to Justin about.

00:43:54.664 --> 00:43:54.934
Yeah.

00:43:55.175 --> 00:43:57.155
I don't tell him everything in therapy.

00:43:57.184 --> 00:43:57.454
Yeah.

00:43:57.605 --> 00:43:59.494
Because then I'm having to rehash it.

00:43:59.494 --> 00:44:12.574
And a lot of times, especially lately, because we are doing inner child work, um, I don't have the capacity to break it down again Right.

00:44:12.755 --> 00:44:14.074
That night or whatever.

00:44:14.284 --> 00:44:14.525
Yeah.

00:44:14.735 --> 00:44:23.824
Um, so I, but I do tell him things that will impact like how we parent.

00:44:23.945 --> 00:44:24.215
Yeah.

00:44:24.965 --> 00:44:28.625
Um, or how I relate to him or whatever.

00:44:28.954 --> 00:44:31.385
So that is one of the things I told him.

00:44:31.474 --> 00:44:36.514
And he got the smirk on his face where he's like, I could have told you all of this.

00:44:38.074 --> 00:44:38.855
Um, I can

00:44:38.855 --> 00:44:42.045
see, I can see it on his face too, that like, like.

00:44:42.804 --> 00:44:45.889
That, that that kind of ches your cat, like mm-hmm.

00:44:46.429 --> 00:44:47.539
Please, with myself.

00:44:47.539 --> 00:44:49.940
Did did she, did she say that, that Kathy the canary?

00:44:49.940 --> 00:44:50.119
Yeah.

00:44:50.119 --> 00:44:50.130
Uhhuh.

00:44:50.130 --> 00:44:50.655
Did she say that?

00:44:50.655 --> 00:44:50.855
Uhhuh?

00:44:50.855 --> 00:44:51.054
Yeah.

00:44:51.139 --> 00:44:52.429
Did your therapist say that to you?

00:44:53.809 --> 00:45:13.099
Um, and, uh, so he is, I always, whenever I tell my therapist or anybody else, like how big of a support Justin is for my mental health and growth and development, I feel guilty because of how much he helps me.

00:45:13.519 --> 00:45:18.739
He, I'm always afraid that someone's gonna be like, you can't just use your husband as a crutch.

00:45:21.650 --> 00:45:22.940
But he's my best friend.

00:45:22.940 --> 00:45:23.000
Yeah.

00:45:23.630 --> 00:45:29.269
We've been together for 21 years.

00:45:29.269 --> 00:45:29.539
You've

00:45:29.539 --> 00:45:32.179
been together longer than you weren't together?

00:45:32.210 --> 00:45:37.460
Yeah, we've been together for over half our lives and I mean.

00:45:38.630 --> 00:45:41.809
I If I can't go, if I can't go to him, who am I going to?

00:45:42.079 --> 00:45:42.769
That's true.

00:45:44.750 --> 00:45:45.769
It's a Lucy.

00:45:46.309 --> 00:45:47.449
It is a Lucy.

00:45:49.400 --> 00:45:50.900
Oh, she just had a snacky snack.

00:45:50.929 --> 00:45:50.960
Oh,

00:45:52.340 --> 00:45:52.969
I'm taking a

00:45:52.969 --> 00:45:53.090
cookie.

00:45:53.869 --> 00:45:59.000
So these are the cookies that everyone is like raving about if they're terrible.

00:45:59.000 --> 00:46:01.190
Tell me anything about where,

00:46:02.480 --> 00:46:03.199
when they get them

00:46:03.199 --> 00:46:04.880
from you, when they, they eat them.

00:46:05.630 --> 00:46:05.989
Okay.

00:46:06.199 --> 00:46:08.269
John has requested multiple dozen.

00:46:08.929 --> 00:46:12.775
Ellie can, Ellie can eat like seven in one Go Uhhuh.

00:46:14.659 --> 00:46:14.989
Yeah.

00:46:15.800 --> 00:46:17.360
Uh, Rick loved them.

00:46:17.360 --> 00:46:17.690
Very sweet.

00:46:18.650 --> 00:46:20.090
That's why there's sea salt on them.

00:46:20.780 --> 00:46:21.260
I can taste

00:46:21.260 --> 00:46:21.679
the salt.

00:46:21.800 --> 00:46:22.340
It's good.

00:46:23.150 --> 00:46:29.090
Um, so I am a milk chocolate girl and I have been for a really long time.

00:46:29.150 --> 00:46:29.449
Yeah.

00:46:29.900 --> 00:46:31.880
But I think milk chocolate's getting to be too sweet for me.

00:46:32.179 --> 00:46:32.900
Yeah, that's real.

00:46:33.110 --> 00:46:33.739
You know what's funny?

00:46:33.860 --> 00:46:35.150
Semi-sweet chocolate chips.

00:46:35.659 --> 00:46:36.320
Shut up.

00:46:36.409 --> 00:46:36.710
Yep.

00:46:37.414 --> 00:46:37.985
No.

00:46:38.045 --> 00:46:42.994
Yeah, I got the Costco bag, 72 ounces of chocolate chips.

00:46:43.085 --> 00:46:44.195
Oh, you so,

00:46:44.195 --> 00:46:47.795
uh, also these are not semi-sweet.

00:46:48.784 --> 00:46:50.375
No, no, they are not.

00:46:50.644 --> 00:46:51.155
Um,

00:46:52.954 --> 00:46:53.704
I mean, they're good.

00:46:53.795 --> 00:46:54.514
They are good.

00:46:54.965 --> 00:46:56.164
I must send you home with some.

00:46:56.494 --> 00:46:56.945
They're good.

00:46:58.114 --> 00:46:58.534
Yeah.

00:46:58.835 --> 00:47:06.485
Um, but yeah, when it's something like that, I involve Justin and he's like, yeah, I know.

00:47:06.485 --> 00:47:09.244
And then he kind of helps me, um,

00:47:12.994 --> 00:47:17.315
by like, I'll say something, he's like, reframe that.

00:47:20.105 --> 00:47:20.284
Why?

00:47:20.284 --> 00:47:21.815
Or, or he'll straight up ask like, why are you saying sorry?

00:47:22.594 --> 00:47:25.054
And not in like that exasperated way that's like, why are you

00:47:25.054 --> 00:47:25.684
saying sorry?

00:47:25.864 --> 00:47:26.135
Yeah.

00:47:26.135 --> 00:47:26.764
It's just like,

00:47:28.070 --> 00:47:28.309
I want

00:47:28.570 --> 00:47:28.789
you

00:47:28.789 --> 00:47:33.545
to, to like, he, me, he picked up the language he knows and he's, that's helpful too.

00:47:33.755 --> 00:47:34.505
He's a yarn husband.

00:47:34.900 --> 00:47:36.335
He's, he's a dance husband.

00:47:36.364 --> 00:47:37.594
He's a dance dad.

00:47:37.625 --> 00:47:38.074
Yeah.

00:47:38.824 --> 00:47:39.784
No, he's Mr.

00:47:39.784 --> 00:47:40.295
Justin.

00:47:40.565 --> 00:47:41.135
He's Mr.

00:47:41.135 --> 00:47:45.994
Justin whose pants can't stay up at dance recitals makes everybody very uncomfortable.

00:47:46.025 --> 00:47:47.795
His pants can't stay up ever.

00:47:48.514 --> 00:47:52.114
I think I'm gonna have to make him start wearing suspenders.

00:47:52.114 --> 00:47:52.474
Suspenders, yes.

00:47:52.474 --> 00:47:52.744
When

00:47:52.744 --> 00:47:58.414
we're at dance concerts, because he just moons everybody and he's in charge of preschoolers.

00:48:01.114 --> 00:48:01.474
Yeah.

00:48:01.625 --> 00:48:08.795
And he doesn't know he, it's so consistent that he cannot tell, literally cannot tell that half of his ass crack is out.

00:48:09.125 --> 00:48:09.304
Yep.

00:48:10.505 --> 00:48:10.925
Bless him.

00:48:13.864 --> 00:48:15.514
Oh, Justin,

00:48:15.724 --> 00:48:18.934
he's, he is a pretty, pretty boy.

00:48:19.715 --> 00:48:20.885
I'm swirling a lot.

00:48:21.034 --> 00:48:21.730
Yeah, that's okay.

00:48:21.730 --> 00:48:22.085
Can you tell

00:48:22.085 --> 00:48:24.934
my a DHD meds went, wore off about 20 minutes ago.

00:48:24.965 --> 00:48:25.264
Yeah.

00:48:25.264 --> 00:48:25.985
Yeah, I can.

00:48:26.434 --> 00:48:30.264
Do you wanna like, actually talk about something that could like close off the, the thing yeah, sure.

00:48:31.284 --> 00:48:32.184
You're better at this than me.

00:48:32.244 --> 00:48:32.875
I don't know what to do.

00:48:34.284 --> 00:48:49.045
So what is something, what is advice that you would give yourself like five years ago you, or 10 years ago?

00:48:49.045 --> 00:48:49.284
You,

00:48:51.114 --> 00:48:52.344
those are very different people.

00:48:52.494 --> 00:48:53.304
I know.

00:48:54.295 --> 00:48:55.195
You want both or one.

00:48:55.255 --> 00:48:55.735
What do you want?

00:48:56.784 --> 00:48:57.324
Pick one.

00:48:58.554 --> 00:48:59.034
Okay, fine.

00:48:59.034 --> 00:49:01.445
Five years ago, you, five years ago, me.

00:49:02.514 --> 00:49:03.925
What advice would you give yourself?

00:49:03.925 --> 00:49:04.014
Well,

00:49:04.855 --> 00:49:07.074
in September of the year of our Lord 2020

00:49:09.565 --> 00:49:09.925
Yes.

00:49:09.925 --> 00:49:10.434
Continue.

00:49:11.994 --> 00:49:14.545
When the world, after the world stopped working.

00:49:15.355 --> 00:49:15.505
Yeah.

00:49:15.715 --> 00:49:18.625
And there were dolphins in Venice and the canals.

00:49:18.625 --> 00:49:18.835
Yeah.

00:49:18.835 --> 00:49:19.255
Continue.

00:49:19.260 --> 00:49:19.400
Yeah.

00:49:20.125 --> 00:49:20.275
Yeah.

00:49:20.275 --> 00:49:21.025
When the world was, when,

00:49:21.835 --> 00:49:25.105
when like the ozone layer was just starting to be able to breathe a little bit.

00:49:25.105 --> 00:49:25.164
Yeah.

00:49:25.195 --> 00:49:27.565
And then we just fucked it all back up again.

00:49:27.594 --> 00:49:27.775
Yeah.

00:49:28.344 --> 00:49:28.764
Um,

00:49:30.114 --> 00:49:32.485
and then we decided to dip out of any global

00:49:34.795 --> 00:49:35.335
whatever,

00:49:35.335 --> 00:49:36.025
anything.

00:49:36.085 --> 00:49:36.295
Yeah.

00:49:36.295 --> 00:49:36.744
Anyway,

00:49:39.324 --> 00:49:40.224
I didn't pick him.

00:49:42.594 --> 00:49:42.985
Very important.

00:49:43.764 --> 00:49:43.974
Yeah.

00:49:44.724 --> 00:49:47.905
Um, five years ago, me,

00:49:52.824 --> 00:49:54.114
Henley was like 18 months.

00:49:54.175 --> 00:49:55.465
Henley was my whole life then.

00:49:55.795 --> 00:49:56.065
Yeah.

00:49:57.954 --> 00:50:01.164
So like when I say five years ago, me, Henley was 18 months.

00:50:02.605 --> 00:50:09.594
Because that's how I, me, I've measured my life up until very recently when I started doing things for me again.

00:50:10.735 --> 00:50:11.695
Oh, okay.

00:50:12.954 --> 00:50:18.324
So can't say I was like super unhappy then.

00:50:18.474 --> 00:50:18.775
Yeah.

00:50:19.135 --> 00:50:20.574
But it was different,

00:50:21.235 --> 00:50:21.655
right?

00:50:22.135 --> 00:50:22.945
It was very different.

00:50:23.184 --> 00:50:27.445
I was, I was mom, I was nursing three babies.

00:50:27.655 --> 00:50:27.954
Yeah.

00:50:28.224 --> 00:50:36.534
I was, I was, I was just starting to teach dance.

00:50:36.684 --> 00:50:40.195
I had no ambition to go back to school.

00:50:40.224 --> 00:50:43.585
'cause I figured I just wouldn't, that would not be in the cards for me.

00:50:45.835 --> 00:50:54.414
And I did not think that, I, I don't even think I was really good friends with Ellie at that point.

00:50:54.420 --> 00:50:54.739
Mm-hmm.

00:50:54.954 --> 00:50:55.045
I

00:50:55.045 --> 00:50:56.034
didn't know Tricia.

00:50:56.034 --> 00:50:56.125
Mm-hmm.

00:50:57.085 --> 00:50:59.699
Um, I had some.

00:51:00.744 --> 00:51:07.974
I still had some very unhealthy relationships, like friendships that have since gone away.

00:51:08.364 --> 00:51:08.605
Yeah.

00:51:09.295 --> 00:51:11.844
Um, and I was still talking to my parents.

00:51:12.775 --> 00:51:13.135
Yeah.

00:51:13.494 --> 00:51:14.485
That's a big shift.

00:51:15.025 --> 00:51:19.315
Um, the last time.

00:51:23.155 --> 00:51:23.335
Yeah.

00:51:23.364 --> 00:51:26.304
'cause it was that la it was the next May that I was like, I'm out.

00:51:26.394 --> 00:51:26.844
Goodbye.

00:51:26.905 --> 00:51:27.264
Yeah.

00:51:27.715 --> 00:51:28.164
Yeah.

00:51:28.405 --> 00:51:29.394
We're not coming back.

00:51:30.925 --> 00:51:31.434
Um,

00:51:32.530 --> 00:51:34.405
that was, that was a tough one for you.

00:51:36.324 --> 00:51:40.494
It wasn't tough because I missed my, my mom, it was specifically my mother.

00:51:40.554 --> 00:51:40.885
Yeah.

00:51:41.394 --> 00:51:41.695
Right.

00:51:41.994 --> 00:51:44.875
It was tough because I knew I was cutting myself off from my siblings.

00:51:44.974 --> 00:51:45.905
Who still lived with her.

00:51:46.235 --> 00:51:55.594
Um, but yeah, I, or not even like advice, I would, would you just tell yourself, I don't know.

00:51:55.594 --> 00:52:02.375
I would just say that'cause that's when I started therapy, that's when I, I started actually looking after myself.

00:52:02.375 --> 00:52:04.744
I started creating boundaries.

00:52:05.135 --> 00:52:28.835
I started and it, I think it was because of Henley really, because up until that point, I hadn't had the pe, the people I was protecting were my siblings and I could only protect them so much when they still lived there.

00:52:29.105 --> 00:52:29.585
When.

00:52:31.054 --> 00:52:31.925
All of that stuff.

00:52:32.014 --> 00:52:32.255
Right.

00:52:32.525 --> 00:52:39.304
Um, I also had knowledge that like things weren't happening, so That's great.

00:52:39.514 --> 00:52:40.954
Sorry, I'm being so cryptic.

00:52:41.434 --> 00:52:43.025
Um, we love vague.

00:52:43.264 --> 00:52:43.684
It's good.

00:52:44.164 --> 00:52:46.985
Uh, how about this?

00:52:47.014 --> 00:52:50.914
If you, if you have this in your life, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

00:52:50.945 --> 00:52:51.094
Yep.

00:52:51.179 --> 00:52:51.400
Yep.

00:52:51.425 --> 00:53:16.534
Um, but Henley was the first time that something had happened and I had to have my mother watch her and it was overnight and I gave her the bedtime routine.

00:53:16.534 --> 00:53:18.815
It was something emergent had happened.

00:53:18.815 --> 00:53:26.014
Like it was not a choice of me leaving her, it was who I could have her be with.

00:53:26.434 --> 00:53:26.675
Yeah.

00:53:27.034 --> 00:53:29.284
Um, and so.

00:53:30.739 --> 00:53:33.050
I gave her the, the night team routine.

00:53:33.050 --> 00:53:35.389
I gave her the list of foods that she eats.

00:53:35.389 --> 00:53:38.329
I gave her, like, her little schedule, all of that stuff.

00:53:38.329 --> 00:53:43.489
I, I enabled every part of taking care of her.

00:53:43.789 --> 00:53:43.940
Yeah.

00:53:45.110 --> 00:53:55.969
Um, and when I came back to get her, I had brought over six diapers.

00:53:56.570 --> 00:54:01.010
There were, there were four left, and I'd been gone for 36 hours.

00:54:03.320 --> 00:54:05.210
Um, she had not been bathed.

00:54:08.210 --> 00:54:17.869
Um, and my brother was the one taking care of her, not while, while my mother took a nap.

00:54:20.480 --> 00:54:26.420
Um, so that was when I, I drew the line.

00:54:27.019 --> 00:54:27.199
Yeah.

00:54:27.199 --> 00:54:27.260
Um.

00:54:29.420 --> 00:54:31.969
Because I tolerated a lot of things for myself.

00:54:32.750 --> 00:54:33.170
Right.

00:54:33.260 --> 00:54:42.739
But I made a decision very early on in my pregnancy that that would not be happening to my child.

00:54:43.130 --> 00:54:43.340
Right.

00:54:43.429 --> 00:54:43.940
None of it.

00:54:45.530 --> 00:54:45.949
Um,

00:54:45.980 --> 00:54:47.119
I remember we talked about that.

00:54:47.780 --> 00:54:48.139
Yeah.

00:54:48.230 --> 00:54:48.289
A

00:54:48.295 --> 00:54:48.619
lot.

00:54:48.675 --> 00:54:48.965
Yeah.

00:54:50.389 --> 00:54:51.530
Because I was really scared.

00:54:51.860 --> 00:54:52.190
Yeah.

00:54:53.989 --> 00:55:00.590
And I still am because I, that's the only parenting I know of a young child.

00:55:00.739 --> 00:55:01.010
Yeah.

00:55:01.400 --> 00:55:04.849
I mean, yes, I have Justin's parents, but I've only known them since I was like 18.

00:55:04.969 --> 00:55:05.690
I was grown up by then.

00:55:05.960 --> 00:55:06.829
Right, right.

00:55:06.829 --> 00:55:06.949
It's a

00:55:06.949 --> 00:55:07.789
different kind of parent.

00:55:08.599 --> 00:55:08.929
Yeah.

00:55:09.889 --> 00:55:12.380
So, yeah.

00:55:12.769 --> 00:55:18.440
But you're, you're doing things, you're consciously making different choices.

00:55:19.190 --> 00:55:20.659
And I think that that's what I would tell myself.

00:55:20.659 --> 00:55:22.940
Like, you're, it's a hard thing you're doing.

00:55:25.715 --> 00:55:29.675
And it feels really mean because you are used to being the punching bag.

00:55:30.125 --> 00:55:30.364
Yeah.

00:55:31.235 --> 00:55:35.344
And you feel like you are abandoning your siblings.

00:55:35.344 --> 00:55:38.945
You feel like all of these things.

00:55:39.125 --> 00:55:39.394
Yeah.

00:55:43.505 --> 00:55:53.704
But another thing I've learned from this therapist is when those thoughts come in, I now have to ask myself, whose voice is it in?

00:55:54.605 --> 00:55:55.594
It's in my mother's.

00:55:55.775 --> 00:55:56.045
Yep.

00:55:57.844 --> 00:55:58.175
Oof.

00:55:58.235 --> 00:55:58.445
Yeah.

00:55:58.445 --> 00:55:59.045
And I hate it.

00:55:59.500 --> 00:55:59.780
Mm-hmm.

00:56:00.664 --> 00:56:06.755
Um, so I have to just kind of be like, okay, well who's, who is saying that met?

00:56:07.804 --> 00:56:12.155
And if it's not me, who is it and why?

00:56:13.925 --> 00:56:15.844
And do I need to tell them to fuck off?

00:56:17.105 --> 00:56:19.835
And if it is me, why is that?

00:56:20.434 --> 00:56:20.704
Yeah.

00:56:20.739 --> 00:56:21.030
Yeah.

00:56:21.635 --> 00:56:22.025
Um.

00:56:22.130 --> 00:56:22.190
Yeah.

00:56:22.730 --> 00:56:27.320
But yeah, I, I had all those feelings of like, I'm, this is not the right thing.

00:56:27.349 --> 00:56:28.909
Who does this to their parent?

00:56:28.909 --> 00:56:33.619
Like, she has been there for me through Henley being a baby.

00:56:33.829 --> 00:56:34.670
No, she wasn't.

00:56:35.510 --> 00:56:36.019
Anyway.

00:56:36.710 --> 00:56:37.760
Um mm-hmm.

00:56:39.079 --> 00:56:46.909
So I would just tell myself that you're doing, you are doing a hard thing, but a good thing.

00:56:48.230 --> 00:56:49.369
I think that's good advice.

00:56:50.449 --> 00:56:52.159
That was a very long answer to that question.

00:56:52.400 --> 00:56:53.449
I like long answers.

00:56:55.159 --> 00:56:55.760
No, it was good.

00:56:56.030 --> 00:56:57.409
Thank you for chatting with me.

00:56:57.889 --> 00:56:58.250
Yep.

00:56:58.639 --> 00:57:02.900
And Lily, who I think is asleep on my left mostly.

00:57:07.440 --> 00:57:09.481
So with that, the cats and I are gonna go.

00:57:09.871 --> 00:57:13.351
Lily was very excited to participate in that episode.

00:57:13.440 --> 00:57:16.440
I don't know if you notice, but she is all over the place.

00:57:17.041 --> 00:57:22.981
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00:57:22.981 --> 00:57:24.181
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00:57:24.451 --> 00:57:27.721
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00:57:27.751 --> 00:57:32.371
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00:57:33.630 --> 00:57:36.181
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00:57:36.181 --> 00:57:44.130
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00:57:44.130 --> 00:57:46.021
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00:57:46.440 --> 00:57:47.251
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00:57:47.280 --> 00:57:48.121
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00:57:48.300 --> 00:57:48.751
Bye